The Addams Family Meets the VIPs Once More
by Grumpydrawer
Summary: After receving an alarming report from two dilpomts who'd just returned from America the Soviet Union sends them right back, intent of having them observe an average American household's life once more. Except this time they're not just visiting the Addams Family. They're staying with them for a week! Based on the 60s episode of them same name (minus the Once More bit).
1. Chapter 1

The Kremlin, Moscow 1962

* * *

The ornate halls of the seat of the USSR's government were silence, with the exception of the sound of a man with neat brown hair wearing a fairly basic looking suit walking quickly down the hall. He paid no mind to his surroundings and the posters which adorned them, intent purely on delivering the report which had just been compiled by two dignitaries who had just returned from America. The report contained information which was big, bigger than big in fact, and had to be delivered to the Premier effective immediately. The information inside it was set to change the Union's, no the entire Communist sphere's, approach and opinion of the American capitalist pigs.

Finally he reached the large oak door of the Premier's office, a hammer and sickle featured centrally in its design. The man briefly composed himself before opening the door and walking right into the office and walking right up to the leader of the Soviet Union's desk, depositing the papers in front of their esteemed leader.

"What is this?" asked the Premier in a distinctly Ukrainian accent as he looked up slowly from the book he'd been reading, the crest of the Soviet Union imprinted on the wall behind him.

"A report from two of our dignitaries who returned from America recently my Premier." said the man nervously, a distinct Russian accent to his voice as he backed away briefly to shut the office's door. "It was decided that you had to see the contents of this report immediately."

The Premier merely looked down at the report in disinterest, flipping through its pages in boredom until he neared the final pages of the report. That was when his expression turned to one of confusion, then surprise, then horror, then amusement, then back to horror.

"American Washington masters cutting off heads is nothing new, nor is burning the evidence but plants which can think, self-lighting cigars, a living hand which likes privacy, charging themselves up with electricity through ear, typical family servant being a robot and little boys making disintegrator rifles is new! Newer than new!" declared the Premier in a mixture of surprise and disbelief. "How did the Americans hide their genius from us so long? How did our spies miss all this?"

"I'm not sure Premier." replied the brown haired intelligence official, unsure of how to respond. "Maybe the Americans had just kept the real people out of sight?"

"Of course! They haven't been showing us the people! The real people!" declared the Premier as he stood up from his chair. "We must have these for ourselves. Whilst we have been focusing on space the Americans have been focusing on disintegrator guns and robots. Just think, the self-lighting cigars alone could be of great use. Just think of the smile they'd put on Castro's face!"

"We already have a self-lighting cigar Premier. It was given to the dignitaries by the man of the household." said the Russian, nervousness gone from his voice now that he was in his element. "Our top scientists are already trying to find its secrets."

"Fantastic efficiency!" commented the Premier. "That's what we have over the Americans." He then began looking over the last few pages of the report once more before he muttered "Blowing up model trains…"

"No doubt that is training sir for the real thing Premier. Think first they're blowing up model trains, then they're blowing up real ones." said the Russian in reply hastily, intent to move the conversation on as he glanced over at a bust of Lenin. "And those trains could end up being our trains. The people's trains."

"You're right! And just think this is merely an average American household! They've must have hundreds if not thousands of sabators ready to be parachuted into our great Union!" said the Premier in mild panic.

"Well at least it isn't all bad Premier." commented the intelligence official, a small smirk coming onto his face. "Did you read the part about the hostess?"

"Of course I did. Pearly white skin, piercing blue eyes, silky long black hair, a form fitting black dress and a perfect face, body and personality to go with it. How could I miss that part." replied the Premier, a day dreaming look in his eyes. "Maybe us Soviets aren't the only ones with beautiful women…"

"What course of action should we take Premier?" asked the intelligence official after a few seconds, trying not to laugh at his leader's day dreamy look.

"Huh?" said the Premier in a bit of confusion before he coughed and quickly recomposed himself. "Ah of course. Umm well."

""Should I alert the Politburo?" asked the brown haired man.

"No!" shouted the Premier, startling the intelligence official. "Nothing in this report is to get to the Politburo or anyone else, especially the people. Imagine the panic it would cause if news got out that the Americans were so advanced."

"Very well Premier." said the Russian.

"Have the dignitaries briefed and sent back as soon as is possible immediately to visit this… Addams Family effective immediately!" said the Premier, glancing down at the last pages of the report briefly to check the family's name.

"It shall be done my Premier!" said the intelligence official with a salute before he quickly exited the office, walking briskly down the Kremlin's halls once more.

Meanwhile the Premier sat down in his chair once more, staring off into space with a dreamy look on his face. The only thing he muttered was "Silky long black hair…"

* * *

Two weeks later…

* * *

Meanwhile in the Addams household the scene was very different. Instead of propaganda posters, hammers and sickles decorating the walls there was bizarre (and at times disturbing twisted) paintings, swords and other weapons. Instead of busts of Lenin and Marx there was a stuffed bear, a moose head, suits of armour, a totem pole and an odd arrangement of other times.

And the head of this domain wasn't sat at a desk in his office staring off into space. Instead he was balancing on his head in front of the fireplace whilst smoking a cigar and reading the newspaper.

Gomez wasn't that interesting in what the news he was reading nor even too focused on his Zen Yugi. He was just passing the time whilst he waited for his beautiful wife to finishing feeding her plants.

Though Gomez couldn't see Morticia he could certainly hear her, fussing over Cleopatra and her other plants in the conservatory. He could picture her in his mind babying each and every one of her potted darlings as she called them, pride on her place as she praised their growth and the sharpness of their thorns and spikes.

Then after several more minutes of balancing on his head he saw her entering the living room from out of the corner of his eye, spying her the bottom of her form clad in one of her many tight black dress elegantly yet slowly crossing the room to her chair. He could feel his wife's eyes upon him, no doubt looking at him in amusement as he stared at the bottom of her hobble dress, catching a glance of her high heels through the tentacle-esc strands as she sat down in her wicker chair.

"Anything interesting in the news today darling?" he heard her ask, snapping from his tranced gaze at her feet.

"Of course darling." answered Gomez as he glanced back over at the newspaper, knowing his black haired wife no doubt had a slight smirk on her face from how he fallen into a trance at the site of only such a simple part of her. "Two revolutions in Africa, a war in the Middle East, riot in Berlin, a mass murderer in Kentucky, moose hit by a car in Canada…"

"The poor moose." interupted Morticia pitifully as one of the antlers of their wall mounted moose rotated slightly in agreement.

"Well you know how it is Cara Mia." said Gomez. "Sometimes you hit them, sometimes you miss them. And unfortunately for the moose this was one of the later times."

"How true…Monsieur." replied Morticia. He could practically hear the slight smirk which was no doubt on her face as she spoke.

"Tish that's French!" declared Gomez as he dropped and rolled out of his head balancing position, cigar falling out of his mouth and extinguishing itself as he did so, and rushed over to her right side. Immediately he began planting kisses along his wife's arm, beginning with her porcelain white hand and heading upwards. "Say more Querida! Rouge, Calais, bataille navale, due vin anything!"

"Very well Darling. Noir comme la nuit." said Morticia in a more sultry tone than usual.

"More Tish, more!" said Gomez during a slight second where he paused from kissing her, before resuming just past her elbow.

Morticia looked as if she was about to oblige her husband's request when the sound of one of Thing's many boxes opening on a table just behind Gomez interupted her, the hand in question poking out of it with letters in hand.

"Darling the mails in." said Morticia rather calmly in an attempt to get Gomez to reach over and retrieve it, but instead he did something that she wasn't surprised by in the least after spending many a year as his wife. He leant back whilst maintaining his grip on her with one arm as he continued to kiss it, pulling her over the arm of her wicker chair partially in the process. Then with a brief "Thanks Thing." her husband took the mail from the hand and leaned forward once more, pushing her back her back into her chair as he continued to plant kiss after kiss on her arm, depositing the letters in her black clad lap without missing a beat.

"Oh you Castilians are so tenacious." commented Morticia with a smile as patted Gomez's head lightly before opening and reading through the letters they had received. Most of them were bills, which would no doubt delight Gomez but there was also a letter and a flier amongst the bills. She opened the letter and read through it briefly, smiling as she finished it.

"What's the letter about Tish?" inquired Gomez, having managed to wrangle control of himself after having reached her neck and kissed both it and the very top of her back several times.

"It's from that nice Mr Harris." answered the black haired beauty happily, before she began to read him out the letter. "Listen to this."

 _Dear Mr. and Mrs. Addams_

 _We have recently received notice from the Union of Soviet Socialist Republic's embassy in Washington that they wish for Mr. Hahn and Mr. Klarpe, whom you no doubt remember, to visit your home on their next visit to experience an average American household once more. Expect this time the Soviets wish for them to stay with you for a week to understand a week in the life of an_ _average American family in a better attempt to build ties between our two nations._

 _Now I know it is quite the intrusion but it would be of great help to the country if you were to host them for a week. Of course you would also be fully compensated by the government._

 _Reply via telephone at your nearest convenience within the next week._

 _Many thanks_

 _From Mr. Harris_

 _P.S. Don't worry about them wishing to take Lurch back with them for scientific purposes. They seemed more interested in your uncle's_ _unique way of gaining energy and Mrs. Addams's_ _lovely African Strangler._

"Of course we'd be happy to have them stay with us! They brightened our day immensely when they came to visit." declared Gomez as he jumped to his feet from where he'd been kneeling next to Mortica's chair.

"And they didn't run out like so many other guests do." added Morticia as she placed the letter on another side table.

"True. I'll never understand what causes so many people to leave us so suddenly." replied Gomez, a puzzled expression on his face.

"Though we shouldn't be so hasty Gomez." said Morticia as she raised her hand to her cheek in thought. "After all hosting someone for a week is a far bigger undertaking than a day."

"Yet it would be no trouble for you Tish! You're always such a good hostess." said Gomez, his voice filled with praise as he walked over to their metal Indian statue to retrieve another cigar, which of course ignited the moment it no longer touched the statue.

"True Darling." replied Morticia as she stood up from her chair. "But I still feel with should give it more thought."

"Whatever you wish Cara Mia." said Gomez as he crossed back over to Morticia, putting his hands on her waist lightly as he looked into her eyes. "We'll talk about it later."

"After I help Lurch prepare your lunch…Bubala." said Morticia with a warm smile before turning out of her husband's embrace and heading towards the entranceway on the right side of their grand fireplace, the very picture of elegance as she did so.

"That name…" said Gomez to a now empty room as he took a drag from his cigar.

* * *

A few hours later…

* * *

Mr. Harris was sitting at the desk in his office over in the nearby city shifting through some reports from the state's governor intended to get to his higher ups. As was usual none of them had any importance, most of them were filled to the brim with anti-Soviet propaganda and little actual useful information…as usual. Thus he simply stamped them after a glance at each of them, working his way through the stack in boredom.

Then rather suddenly the phone rand, startling him. He reached over to answer the phone, glad for the brief break from his currently monotonous job.

"Hello, who is it?" asked Mr Harris after putting the phone to his ear.

"Mrs. Addams." replied an alluring voice he immediately recognized, a voice which brought back many a bad memory.

"Ah Mrs. Addams, calling about the letter I presume." said Harris, trying to at the very least be professional and friendly despite his previous experiences with that woman's familys.

"Yes I am. After discussing it over lunch my husband and I have decided to host the two foreign dignitaries for a week as you've requested." came from feminine voice from the telephone.

"That's great Mrs. Addams! I'll call home office back in Washington immediately to give them the go ahead to the Soviets." said Harris, pleased that another load of work would soon be off his back. " Of course I'll tell them to get your compensation ready aswell."

"No need for compensation Mr. Harris. We're merely doing our bit for international relations." replied Morticia Adams, clearly pleased at the idea of her family helping the nation.

"As you wish, expect for me to bring the dignitaries round in roughly a week. Goodbye Mrs. Addams." said Harris, thankful that is workload had been slightly decreased by them family not wanting compensation.

"Goodbye Mr. Harris." replied the alluring voice of Morticia Addams, just before he put the phone down before picking it up again shortly after.

"Hello, Home Office. The Addams's said yes they'll host the two Soviets." said Harris, glancing up at the clock as he did so. Great…there was still six hours of work left till he could go home. Oh joy.

* * *

Morticia had a smile on her face as she put down the phone; it was always a joy when such matters were taken care of quickly and efficiently. She then felt someone embrace her from behind and put their head on her shoulder.

"Guess who?" asked Gomez jokingly.

"Uncle Imar." said Morticia, playing along with her husband's joke.

"No he's far too short." replied Gomez.

"Cousin Squelot…no he's has three arms." said Morticia thoughtfully, causing Gomez to chuckle as she did so.

"Nope, guess someone with a brain." said Gomez with a laugh.

"Gomez that's no way to talk about your cousin." said Morticia coolly as she pulled out of his embraced and turned to face him whilst crossing her arms, a frown planted on her delicately pale face.

"Sorry Cara Mia. You know me and Squelot have never got along." replied Gomez, his tone a little guilty.

"I know Mon Cher. I've never got along with him either but that's no reason to make such jokes about him." said Morticia as she reached out to stroke her husband's cheek before a slight smirk appeared on her face. "Even if the joke is true." The two of them merely stayed like that for a few seconds, her stroking his cheek whilst he smiled back at her, each staring into their spouse's eyes.

"So how did the phone call go Tish?" asked Gomez, breaking the silence as she withdrew her arm as Lurch came in and sat down at his Harpsicord.

"It went well Darling. Mr. Harris said the dignitaries will be here within the coming week." answered Morticia as their butler began play a slow yet up beat tune, getting lost in her own world as he did so.

"Excellent! That gives us plenty of time to prepare." said Gomez ecstatically, causing Morticia to smile. It would never cease to amuse her how easily her husband got excited over such little things.

"You mean it'll give me and Lurch plenty of time to prepare Mon Cher." replied Morticia as she brushed back a bit of her hair. "Remember you were overseeing the merger of Almeir's Alligator Farm and Albert's Alpacas Inc. Your companies."

"Ah of course Querida Mia! In my excitement at our old acquaintances visiting I'd forgot all about that exciting merger." said Gomez happily, putting his arm round her waist and pulling her right up against him rather suddenly as he did so.

"Une telle presse serré Mon Cherie!" exclaimed Morticia in surprise at the sudden contact, despite it being an often occurrence.

"Let's just forget about the merger and dignitaries for now Cara Mia." said Gomez, barely resisting kissing her arm at the moment she spoke French. "And return to our usual evening routine."

"Of course Gomez." replied Morticia, a smile lighting up her pale face.

"Lurch an Italian beat please!" called Gomez. There was a split second pause before Lurch complied, switching what piece he was playing with little thought at all. All thanks to years upon years of playing the Harpsicord. "Care to dance Morticia?"

"Always Gomez." replied Morticia happily, a slight sultry tone to her voice, before the two of them began to dance in the centre of the room, focusing only on their other half.

Well that and not bumping into any furniture.

* * *

 _Well there's chapter 1 for you all. Just thought I'd briefly say that this is based on the 60s series, even though that should be fairly obvious._

 _A bit of backstory for this. I've only known of the Addams Family for a year now, I found it after reading a news article on the BBC last year about poor old Weatherwax's death. Which is a bit morbid yet Addams-esc in a way. Anyway in the article there was a picture of the whole 60s cast together, one of the colour promotional shots. And to put it simply it grabbed me. I was intrigued by this odd group of characters, because let's be honest the completely hair shaved Uncle Fester and intimdating Lurch stood out in contrast with the beauty of Carolyn Jones and the utter bizzareness of Cousion Itt. Looked up some episodes online and it had me about half way through the third episode, within the week I'd ordered the box set. There's barely any dull episodes and I must say it's the first new (as in newly found by me) show I've come across in years which has made me laugh so much. I'd say more but there's little to say which has already been said many a time before by others._

 _And long story short (even though that was a bit long) I wanted to have a stab at writing an Addams Family fanfic and this idea just popped into my head one day. And since this is my favorite, ok one of my favorite episodes I thought why not? Hopefully this chapter was enjoyable and a good set up._


	2. Chapter 2

Mr. Harris was waiting just outside of gate 3 at the city's airport, to the side and out of the way of the bustling crowd of holiday goers and businessmen who walked near constantly through the terminal. Despite it being summer the skies had been gray for several days now causing many families to vacation earlier than planned even if it would cost them extra to do so. The government employee couldn't blame them, after all who would want to spend their summer holidays somewhere where the sky was gray and dull?

The Addams's would.

He imagined they were the only Americans for miles, no kilometres around whom like gray miserable days like this one. No doubt they loved lightning storms too.

A thought then popped into Mr. Harris's mind. The Addams's hated sunny days and no doubt hated beaches too, so where would they go on holiday? The Nevada desert? The swamps of Louisiana?

No they weren't further enough a field for a holiday, especially for a family as wealthy as the Addams's.

Siberia maybe, that was desolate and depressing enough that they would no doubt enjoy it. Then again he doubted they'd be able to get the visa to visit it from the Soviets. Papua New Guinea or the Congo seemed like a more reasonable bet. He wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Addams knew some cannibals in either of those backwater places or at the very least a witch doctor.

He was then snapped from his thoughts be the sound of a cough to his right, where as he was met with the sight of Mr. Hahn and Mr. Klarpe. Hahn carrying small suitcase whilst Klarpe carried a suitcases and a briefcase. A frown firmly planted on each of their faces.

"Ah gentlemen it's good to see you arrived here safely." greeted Mr. Harris as he reached out a shoke Mr. Hahn's hand, Klarpe merely nodding in greeting due to both his hands being full.

"Of course we arrived safely. Our jets our far more efficient than your country's jets." said Klarpe.

"Though admittedly not as comfortable." added Hahn before shrugging. "But you can't have everything."

"I hope you enjoyed it at least." stated Mr. Harris, remembering how hard it was to get the two dignitaries to enjoy anything on their previous visit.

"We did not enjoy." replied Klarpe, his frown still on his face.

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that then." replied Mr. Harris, not intending to stay conversing in the airport for long. He just wanted to get the two Soviets to the Addams house and get them out of being his responsibility as soon as possible. "I'll carry your bags to the car." as he reached for Klarpe's bags.

"We carry own bags." said Klarpe affirmatively as he move the bags out of Harris's reach.

"Very well." said Mr. Harris as he turned and motioned for the two of them to follow him, intent on avoiding any issues. "Just follow me to the car then gentlemen, and then it's off to your hosts."

"Average American hosts." added Hahn as the two dignitaries followed suit.

On their way out they passed small café near the entrance of the airport with a queue going all the way out the front door. Mr. Harris merely shoke his head, surely people would have common sense to bring their own food to the airport to avoid such things. The café should be used only by those dropping off family or relatives.

"Ah see that Miri. The Americans are already adopting socialism." commented Klarpe approvingly.

"Interesting. I must make note of that later." replied Hahn. Mr. Harris then stopped and turned around to face the two dignitaries in confusion.

"How on God's green Earth is that socialism. It's just a queue!" said Mr. Harris is a mixture of confusion and frustration.

"Preciously! It's a socialist approach to a till." said Hahn matter of factily whilst Klarpe nodded once in agreement, Mr. Harris merely shaking his head in frustration. No wonder the Cold War was going on so long.

* * *

After several minutes of driving they reached the Addams house, Mr. Harris parking the car just outside of the gate. Hahn and Klarpe exited the vehicle at the same time before walking over to the gate, Harris rolling the window down as they did so.

"Well that's it for me fellers. See you in a week and good luck!" said Mr. Harris hastily before he drove off in a hurry, Klarpe merely turning to nod once in acknowledgement whilst Hahn stared up at the house with a concerned look on his face. Smoke was billowing out of an upstairs window.

"Ila there's smoke." said Hahn with a worried expression on his face.

"And? We are strong Soviet men! Little smoke does not scare us!" replied Klarpe as he smacked Hahn on the back, knocking him out of staring at the smoke. Hahn should not be scared of smoke, both of them were in one of the NKYD divisions during the defeat of the Germans at Berlin. And there was plenty of smoke there!

"Right." replied Hahn, recomposing himself as he did so.

"Now let's us go see our old Average American acquaintances." said Klarpe as he opened the gate and walked confidently into the front yard of the Addams household, Hahn following suit behind him. "See Miri there's nothing to be concerned about."

The moment Klarpe finished speaking the gate slammed shut behind them causing both dignitaries to jump in surprise.

"We forgot about gate." said Hahn.

"Yet we did not forget about bobby trapped doorbell." declared Klarpe as he strolled up to the front door of the Addams house, intent on not falling for another capitalist joke, with Hahn following close on his heels after regaining his nerves. "We knock instead of ring." With that Klarpe reached forward and knocked three times on the large oak door. Shortly after it was opened by their giant robot butler who merely glared and let out a low growled at them.

"We're the two Soviet dignitaries." said Hahn hastily, obviously intimidated by the butler. "Here for visit."

"Follow me." droned the butler as he motioned for them to follow him into the house, which the two Soviets did so. Being startled as the door slammed shut behind them seemingly by itself. However if the two of them had eyes in the back of their heads they would have them a hand come out of a box placed on a nearby table and push the door forcefully before disappearing back into its box.

* * *

After about a minute of following the butler through the house the dignitaries were led outside through a back door and round some rather overgrown looking bushes into the back yard, which looked like it stretched a lot further back than they assumed it would be. Klarpe took in his surrounding as the butler went back to shut the door after saying "Wait here" in his deep intimidating voice.

The grass was neatly cut and looked oddly well-kept despite most of it being yellowy beige instead of green. Round the edges of the yard were a jumble of years and bushes of varying species, all of which were thriving, and appeared to hide the full extent of the Addams's land. The Soviet assumed that such a well off family no doubt had at least a couple acres of land at the least. At the far side of the yard was a path which appeared too led to a small private looking cemetery, from what little Klarpe could see from the angle of where he was standing just in front of the stairs which led down from the back door. Surprisingly the only objects in the yard were a shovel, a wrought iron round table and four chairs a bit to the left of the stairs.

To their left were their hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Addams, engaging in a sword fight with what appeared to be fencing swords. Mr. Addams's back was to the two Soviets as he slashed at Mrs. Addams from a variety of different angles, though despite his ferocity and apparent skill every one of his slashes was parried by his wife with little effort, barely moving her sword from its position as an amused smile lit up her features perfectly.

"Do you think they are doing training. For combat prepares?" asked Hahn curiously as he lent over slightly towards Klarpe in an attempt to keep his voice down.

"Maybe, though is odd considering they have disintegrator guns." replied Klarpe as he leaned over towards his comrade slightly for the same reason.

"I'll make note of this later." said Hahn as they continued to watch the couple spar under the depressing gray sky.

"Follow me." said the butler with a grunt once he returned, Klarpe and Hahn immediately following him over towards to sparing Addams's. As they made their way over Mrs. Addams appeared to spot the three of them as she smiled over at them sweetly. Klarpe faintly heard her say "Gomez our guests are here."

Within seconds of her speaking Mr. Addams, obviously named Gomez, swung around and upon seeing them a big smile appeared on his face.

"Glad to see you two made it!" greeted Mr. Addams as he quickly walked over to them, chucking his sword to the butler whilst he did so. The butler caught it by the handle with incredible ease, which Klarpe put down to him being a robot. Klarpe and the head of the household then shoke hands, during which the Soviet briefly put down his briefcase before picking it back up again.

"We are also glad to see that you and your wife are in good health Mr. Addams." said Klarpe as Mrs. Addams walked over to them, her tight black dress reducing her strides to little more than shuffles.

"Please call me Gomez! No need to be so formal." said Gomez happily, a big grin on his face.

"Yes this isn't an embassy." said Mrs. Addams once she reached them, their butler walking round to her side to collect her sword before she addressed him. "Thank you Lurch, just put them over by the back door."

The butler, who Klarpe presumed was Lurch, merely groaned slightly before complying with her request. The beautiful black haired women then faced the two of them, a light smile on her face.

"Thank you for accepting our country's request for us to visit." said Hahn, smiling back at Mrs. Addams. "Both us and our home country hope it isn't an inconvenience for you."

"It's hardly an inconvenience my man!" said Gomez ecstatically.

"We're just doing our bit for international relations." said his wife. "I do hope your flight here was pleasant."

"It was. Food was a bit lacking but that is minor thing." replied Klarpe noticing that Gomez Addams blatantly stared at his wife briefly before turning back to face them, an almost hungry look in his eyes as she spoke.

"Damn, we just finished lunch a couple minutes ago." said Gomez, disappointment clear in his voice before becoming once more happy and excited. "I can get Lurch to whip you two up something if you're hungry."

"No need Mr. Ad…Gomez." said Hahn, correcting himself mid speech. "We ate sufficient."

"Well if you do just ask." replied Gomez before looking over at the nearby table. "Why don't we go sit down gentlemen."

"What a marvellous idea Gomez. It's such a perfect day for sitting outside, gray, cloudy and gloomy." said his wife in agreement.

"Perfect day?" said Klarpe in confusion to Hahn, his comrade merely shrugged in response. Gomez then led his black clad wife over to the wrought iron table and chairs, Klarpe and Hahn following behind them shortly after.

Once they reached the table Gomez pulled out one of the chairs for his wife to it in, causing her to smile at him in gratefully before he was sat down himself. The two Soviet dignitaries put their two suitcases to the side of the table before they sat down two, Klarpe keeping his briefcase on his lap.

"Lurch could you please take the gentlemen's bags up to the guest room." called Gomez, the huge butler appearing within a second of being summoned. Picking up the bags and heading back inside the house with little more than another groan.

"So how has life been in average American household whilst we've been gone?" asked Klarpe, a joking tone to his voice as he said the word American.

"Great! Our house avoided demolition, Mrs. Addams got to decorate our new neighbour's home, Pugsley has finally mastered the oboe, Lurch learnt to dance and we've spent many a lovely day relaxing." said Mr. Addams, leaning over towards his wife slightly. "Haven't we Cara Mia?"

"We certainly have Darling. So many days with gray cloudy skies, rain and even a couple thunder storms." replied his wife in agreement.

"Remember the storm last Thursday Tish." said Gomez, his eyes gleaming with the glint fire.

"How could I not. It was such a perfect storm." said Mrs. Addams, shivering slightly as she remembered it before smiling seductively at him. "Such a perfect night to visit the graveyard."

"You looked so beautiful Tish as the rain ran down your hair." said Gomez as he leant over to his wife even more and grabbed her arm, pulling her towards him slightly as he did so before he planted several kisses on her arm.

"Darling we have company." said Mrs. Addams, a small smirk on her face as she turned to face a slightly flushed Klarpe and Hahn.

"Ah of course." said Gomez, realising his wife's arm and recomposing himself in the process. "Sorry about that gentleman, I just get carried away sometimes."

"As we can see." muttered Hahn.

* * *

Morticia merely smiled as she watched and listened to her husband and the two Soviets converse with one another, having been heavily involved in conversation for the past three hours. The bulky muscly one, Ila Klarpe she believed his name was, and Gomez were the main ones doing the talking, which mainly came down to Klarpe asking question and Gomez answering them. The thinner one, Hahn as she had not heard his first name yet, was mostly adding to what Klarpe said. Obviously the follower rather than the leader.

She was merely content to watch, snipping one of four cups of tea Lurch had brought them a few minutes before hand. Every now and then she injected with a comment but for the most part she let the three men be. They were talking world politics and issues happening in faraway countries, keeping a very civil polite attitude as they did so, something she didn't concern herself with. Gomez was the one who dealt with the outside world whilst she was the one who dealt with the inside world, what modern housewife had time for the world when they was busy ordering things a modern everyday American family needs? Like dynamite, henbane and cyanide?

"Ah haha so true Gomez, those Congolese really are an odd bunch." said Klarpe in response to something Gomez had said.

"Odder than odd." added Hahn.

"True but they aren't that bad. We know a nice witch doctor over there, don't we Morticia?" said Gomez as he looked over at her.

"Ah yes, doctor pogo. Not the best witch doctor but he does send us the most marvellous gifts every now and then." replied Morticia with a smile.

"Like the drum he sent us for Pugsley. Remember how much he loved banging on it Cara Mia?" said Gomez ecstatically.

"Of course I do. He always made it sound like you were about to be crushed by a stampede of wildebeest." replied Morticia with a smile at the memory. Her thoughts were then interupted by a cough from Klarpe.

"Speaking of gifts." interupted Klarpe as he put his briefcase on the table as pushed it over towards Gomez. "We wish for you to have these."

Ever the curious one Gomez opened up the suitcase, marvelling at its contents. Morticia leaned over slightly to get a look inside the case, but due to the angle her husband had it at she could only glimpse a metallic shine of one of the items and little more.

"You shouldn't have old man." said Gomez happily as he took out a plate one of several items within the briefcase. It was a bright shade of red with yellow wording round its rim, the words were as follows: _Colonel Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin. First man in space and greatest of the cosmonauts. 12 April 1961._ In the middle of the plate was a picture of the cosmonaut in question with a space background behind him, a big happy smile lighting up the whole plate, with his spacecraft Vostok 1 flying above him. "This is top class!"

"Ah but we should have Gomez. Consider if a gift from us, our Premier and the Soviet people." replied Klarpe somewhat humbly. "A gift of thanks for allowing both us and our people to learn more about average American life."

"Still you needn't have done such a thing. We're merely doing our part for international relations." said Morticia, gratitude coming through her voice as Gomez turned the case so she could look instead it after he put the plate back in it. Inside the briefcase were six of those plates, all identical and complete with a full set of cutlery and glasses. The glasses were quite simple in comparison to the plates; their only decoration was a picture of a factory worker swinging a hammer down onto an anvil on the side of each glass. She quite liked the set as whole, lots of nice red shades and it was unlike anything they had in their home. "But nevertheless we thank you for your generous gift."

"The Premier also wanted you to have this." said Hahn as he reached in his breast pocket and withdrew a small picture frame, before pushing it across the table to them. Gomez reached for it and held it up so both him and Morticia could see the picture contained within. It was of a bald man wearing a suit who was waving at the camera, a huge smile on his face as he did so. "It is a picture of him."

"He looks like a delightful fellow." commented Gomez happily as he placed the picture down on the table. "Right Morticia?"

"Yes he does darling." agreed Morticia. The man ever so slightly reminded her of Uncle Fester, which she put down to the baldness and big happy smile on his face. "We should really invite in round for lunch someday."

"An excellent idea Tish!" declared her husband ecstatically, Morticia smiling at his in response. There was the childlike excitement again that she loved so much. "I'll arrange that with the boys down at Washington sometime. I have a couple friends there who owe me favours."

"I..I'm sure the Premier would love that." said Hahn, a mixture of confusion and unsureness in his voice.

"Of course he would Miri." added Klarpe as he smacked his companion on his back with a chuckle. "The Premier loves visiting the people."

Morticia then remembered that it was almost time to prepare their dinner, having almost forgot it due to getting caught up in the conversation.

"Anyway you must excuse me gentlemen. I have to go prepare dinner." said Morticia as she stood up from her chair, a small smirk of happiness gracing her perfect red lips as she looked at the three men. "We're having leg of octopus."

"Pugsley's favourite!" added Gomez happily as he gazed both at her picturesquely pale face.

"Leg of octopus." said Klarpe in what appeared to be shock, or at least Morticia assumed it was shock judging by the expressions on both his and Hahn's faces. Their expressions confused her. What was so strange about having an octopus leg for dinner?

"Of course it's a delicious meal. So slimy and squishy." stated Morticia matter of factily as she felt a light breeze blow through her hair. Then a thought came to her. Maybe the two gentlemen were shocked because they didn't eat octopus back in their country, and were as such unused to average American dishes.

"You've always got to make sure you get the purple one though." lectured Gomez as he turned from Morticia to the two Soviets. "The other colours are poisonous. That's how we lost Cousin Shrimp."

"L..lost." said Hahn rather nervously with a gulp.

"Of course. Colour blindness kills you know." replied Morticia before she turned and walked back towards their home, taking care to not trip over in her tight fitting dress.

As she walked away she heard Klarpe speak one last time.

"Miri make note. Always buy purple octopus."

* * *

Dinner had been rather uneventful. Other than being introduced to each family member and miscellaneous chatter little happened. Klarpe had been more concerned with not finding out what his food was, knowing that he would almost throw up if the Mrs. Addams told him what he was eating. Much like Hahn did after he had the unfortunate pleasure to be informed by her that a piece of meat he'd been enjoying wasn't beef but rather that it was tongue of polar bear.

Though the octopus leg had been surprisingly tasty despite how it looked, which he had of course got Hahn to make a note on. But Klarpe had refused a second helping once he noticed that Gomez's leg of octopus wiggled at one point.

Now the two of them were being led to the guest room by Mrs. Addams, who'd taken it upon herself to show them there. And Klarpe kept his eyes firmly focused up and forwards as he followed her, intent on ignoring the urge to look down at a certain particular part of her body as she walked ahead of both him and Hahn. He was a dignitary of the USSR not some lowly peasant who was unable to keep such primitive urges under control!

Finally they reached a fairly non-descript oak door which Mrs. Addams opened and stepped through into a small room, the two dignitaries following behind her. The room's walls were decorated with green wallpaper, not at all unlike the wallpaper which covered the wall along the stairs in the living room. On the right side of the room were two metal single beds, each with emaqulet green and white bedding and a small mahogany bedside table. Their suitcases placed besides said tables. Opposite the beds was a dresser with a cracked mirror placed on the wall above it. In the centre of the wall opposite the door was a fairly sizeable window which gave them a view out of the Addams's back yard and beyond.

All in all it was a surprisingly nice room as far as a room in this house went.

"I had Lurch fix it up a bit. I hope it's to your liking." said Mrs. Addams kindly as she turned to face them.

"Of course it is Mrs. Addams." said Klarpe.

"It's better than we imagined it would be." said Hahn, eyes darting around the room a little suspiciously, which the black haired woman thankfully did not notice.

"I'll leave you two gentlemen to get unpacked." said Mrs. Addams as she headed back through the doorway, before turning around to face them with a kind smile on her face.

"If you two need anything just scream."

"S..scream." stuttered out Hahn nervously after Mrs. Addams had left.

"Relax Miri. The woman is merely telling a little joke." reassured Klarpe as he headed over to his suitcase. "She's merely pulling your leg."

"If you say so." replied Hahn as he too headed over to his suitcase, his expression suspicious.

"Now let's us unpack before consulting our orders from head intelligence office." said Klarpe, letting out a yawn as he opened his suitcase.

* * *

The orders had been very simple, mostly instructions about how they should act, things they were allowed to talk about and an order to write a detailed report on every day's events. However two instructions stood out from the rest. The first one was that they were to search the entire guest room for listening devices, which Klarpe and Hahn did. They pulled out ever drawer in the dresser, tipped it upside down, took the mirror off the wall and examined it, completely took the bedding off the beds and examined every millimetre of the room.

Surprisingly they found nothing. However since it was unusual for the Americans to not try bug a room they were staying in Klarpe told Hahn to be careful what he said just in case it was bugged after all.

The second instruction which stood out was that they were to search for and locate a suitable escape route in case war between the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and the United States of America, the closing of their embassy in Washington or any crisis. Which was why Klarpe and Hahn were now walking around the Addams Family's home so late at night, being careful to not make even the smallest of sounds.

"We should go back Ila. We've found nothing and it's getting too late." said Hahn, snapping Klarpe from is thoughts. "Hosts get suspicious if we tired in morning."

"Well I suppose no one back in Moscow would know if we didn't find an escape route on the first night." said Klarpe, pondering his opinions briefly. "Very well. We head back to room."

The two Soviet dignitaries swiftly turned on their heels and headed back the way they had come, through the maze that the Addams household. After a few minutes of walking they were passing a closed door upstairs when they heard a crash from within the room, causing the two men to freeze in their tracks. Slowly they put their ears to the door.

"Oh Gomez you're so relentless." said a sultry voice they both immediately recognized.

"Haha of course my dear. You know what you're French does to me." said an excited happy voice they too recognised, which turned briefly sheepish. "Sorry about causing us to…you know…fall on the floor though."

"It's no problem darling. The floor is more comfortable anyway." said the same sultry voice. "Besides it brings a certain chez la ambiance, does it not?"

"Tish that's French!" said the second voice again, before the sounds of kisses and several moans were heard.

Both Klarpe and Hahn pulled their heads away from the door immediately. If it hadn't been so dark they would have seen the redness on each other's faces.

"We never mention this ever again." whispered Klarpe. Hahn merely nodded quickly in reply.

The two dignitaries then walked down the hall towards the guest room, both intent of forgetting what they had heard and the images it conjured up in their heads.

* * *

 _T_ _hank you to everyone who has read this far. I've hoped you enjoyed the first two chapters, that everyone is in character and that the plot and dialogue has been interesting/entertaining. Any suggestions you may have are welcome of course!_

 _I'm not too happy with how the ending came out. I feel the idea was good but the execution less so, but that's for you the reader to decide. Just a side note: I found something online saying that the two soviet dignitaries names were Ilk Klarpe (Stanley Adams) and Miri Hahn (Vito Scotti) and I went with it since I don't believe etheir names are ever said in the episode, or at least if they were I missed them._

 _Anyway I advised everyone to look up the song Gagarin by Public Service Broadcasting. It's a perfect, happy, celebratory song for the man who is one of, if not the bravest, men to ever live. Plus it's just a good song in general. Sure Buzz and Armstrong went to the moon but they knew that we could survive in as well as go to space. When Yuri went up we knew none of that. For all he knew some otherworldly being in the sky was going to smite him down or that he'd explode upon leaving the atmosphere. We knew barely anything about the conditions in space then. Yet he went up there and came back down regardless and was quite humble and nice about it, plus to quote Sergei Korolev_ _"Yuri possed a smile_ _that lit up the Cold War."_

 _Anyway enough praising one of my heros._


	3. Chapter 3

Morticia was sitting in her wicker chair in the living room contently cutting away at a folded piece of paper to make paper dolls. There was a relaxing silence hanging in the air, occasionally broken by the sound of an explosion from Pugsley and Wednesday playing with dynamite upstairs with Uncle Fester. Their guests were in the study with Gomez, observing him playing with his trains no doubt. Usually she would have joined them as she normally did after breakfast, thought the raven headed women with a small smirk, but she was still tired after last night.

Then a few minutes later her husband and the two Soviets entered the room, Gomez and Klarpe happily laughing at some joke whilst Hahn was writing something in his notepad. No doubt notes to bring back to his country.

"Morticia you should have seen the wreck. It was wondrous!" exclaimed Gomez as he quickly moved across the room to her side.

"I'm sure it was darling." said Morticia sweetly, smiling at her husband's happiness.

"It blew right off the track!" continued Gomez.

"Narrowly missing head." added Hahn, a suspicious tone in his voice.

"A shame really. I would have preferred it to hit me." commented Gomez disappointedly.

"I'm sure it will hit you next time dear Gomez." said Morticia reassuringly.

"You're always the hopefully one Cara Mia." replied Gomez as Morticia merely smiled back at him before returning to her cutting out her paper dolls. Her husband then headed over to a nearby noose and gave it a tug, the house shaking from the sound of the bell and causing their two guests to get started and jump slightly in surprise.

"You rang." said Lurch, appearing as usual within seconds of the bell being rung.

"Yes I did Lurch. Could you fetch some targets? I want to have a shooting contest with these two gentlemen." requested Gomez, the two Soviet gentlemen in question still shaken by the bell.

Lurch merely groaned in response before heading out of the room to fetch the targets. As Gomez headed over to the corner of the fireplace to fetch two rifles Morticia finished her paper dolls and unfolded them in front of her, frowning as she did so because the middle one had an extra leg.

"Why do they always come out that way." muttered Morticia to herself as Gomez passed her with the two rifles.

"Catch!" Gomez said as he chucked a rifle over to Klarpe. The Soviet caught it in one hand with ease, impressing Morticia.

"A shooting contest in living room?" questioned Klarpe, sharing a confused look with Hahn.

"Why of course. It's far too sunny to have one outside." said Gomez as Morticia stood up from her wicker chair and walked over to her husband.

"It's such a shame. It's been so delightfully cloudy recently and now there's all this dreadful sunshine." replied Morticia distastefully.

"Well you can't have everything you want my dear. Even money can't buy favourable weather." said as Gomez wrapped his arm round her waist and squeezed her lightly, winking at her.

"Ah Lurch just set the targets down over there." said Morticia, the sight of their butler distracting her from her husband's advances.

Quietly Lurch set two easels down next to the stairs leading into the house and placed two canvases on each before stepping to the side where he had placed a small stack of several more canvases.

"Those are targets?" asked Klarpe in confusion, having walked over to the two of them with Hahn whilst they had been observing Lurch.

"Why of course. Are shooting targets different in your country?" asked Morticia in confusion.

"Umm yes, ours are usually round." answered Hahn, confusion and curiosity etched on his face.

"A mere minor cultural difference my dear." said Gomez as he released his arm from around her waist.

"True darling. A quick demonstration would no doubt clear up their confusion." said Morticia.

"An excellent idea Tish!" declared her husband as she walked back a few steps, giving him enough space to shoot the rifle.

Gomez then raised it and fired several shots at one of the canvases in quick succession, pausing only once to reload. Leaving a canvas with holes in it in a bizarre pattern.

"See that's how we do it gentlemen." said Gomez as he held the rifle down and lent over to Morticia. "Tell me what it is Tish."

"Cousin Melancholia." answered Morticia after a few seconds of staring at the canvas.

"Umm darling it's you." said Gomez, causing Morticia's expression to change to one of puzzlement briefly before turning into a smile.

"Oh of course it is…Bubala." replied Morticia, watching as her husband's eyes immediately became filled with desire for her…or at least more desire for her than they were usually filled with.

"Tish you know what that word does to me." said Gomez as he threw the rifle away before he grabbed her arm, causing her to stumble towards him slightly, and began kissing his way up it.

"Gomez darling control yourself." said Morticia; feeling jolts of pleasure go up her arm as she felt her Castilian husband kiss her. "We have company."

"Ah of course." said Gomez a little sheepishly, releasing her arm as he did so. "Sorry about that gentlemen."

"It is no problem." said Klarpe quickly, before his tone turned to one of question. "So aim is to make picture with bullet holes?"

"Preciously." said Gomez excitedly as Lurch appeared next to him with his rifle, holding it out for her husband to retrieve. "Thank you Lurch. Now we just need someone to judge our shooting."

"Me and Mr. Hahn will be the judges dear." said Morticia before she took Hahn by the arm and lead him back over to the chairs, the Russian sat down in an ornate wooden chair whilst she sat down in her wicker chair, conveniently placed next to Hahn's chair. She then called out "We're ready Gomez."

"Excellent. You ready Ila?" asked Gomez as he raised his rifle, Klarpe following suit at the same time.

"I am ready." answered Klarpe, his tone one of concentration.

"Ready, set, fire!" said Morticia before the gunshots commenced. Which was a lovely symphony to her ears and a harsh startling one to Hahn's ears.

* * *

Morticia carefully added another line to the tally underneath Gomez's name on a small black board, noting a win for him. However despite that win Mr. Klarpe was still ahead of her husband by five points.

"Haha take that Ila." cried Gomez happily.

"Dear Mr. Klarpe is beating you." commented Morticia, amused at her husband's antics.

"He is?" said Gomez questioningly as he strode over to her side and picked up the black board to examine the score. "Hmm correct you are dear." He then strode back over to Klarpe and smacked him friendlily on the back. "Jolly good show then old man!"

"Thank you Gomez." replied Klarpe as he glanced over at the pile of canvases, now filled with bullet holes. "It was a very…interesting cultural experience."

"That it was!" said Gomez in agreement as Morticia stood up from her chair.

"Plus now we have more pictures to decorate with." said Morticia as she crossed her arms, a pleased smile on her face.

"How right you are Querida." agreed Gomez as he strode to her side.

"The picture of Uncle Squelch you made would good well above the fridge in the kitchen." said Morticia as her expression changed to one of thought. "And that nice one Mr. Klarpe made of the hammer and sickle would go well in the dining room."

"Maybe. But I think Ila's picture would look better in Uncle Fester's workshop." suggested Gomez.

"Good point darling." replied Morticia as she reached out and stroked her husband's chin. "It would be more appropriate there."

"So this is one of activities Americans do for fun?" asked Hahn, having stood up from his chair as well, notebook and pen in hand.

"Of course it is. It's a combination of both the arts and the sports!" declared Gomez ecstatically.

"Did not please bear though." said Klarpe after walking over to Hahn's side, glancing at the notes his comrade had made. Several of Gomez's and a couple of Klarpe's shots had missed the canvases, hitting either the wall or poor Bruno behind them.

"Ah don't worry about it Ila. Bruno has thick skin." reassured Gomez as he walked over and patted Bruno on his side, causing the bear in question to let out a growl in agreement.

"Miri make note. Shooting canvas is combination of art and sport, but does not please bears." said Klarpe, Ila quickly noting down every word he spoke.

"Next we should play a game of cards!" declared Gomez, his happiness and excitement never ceasing. "Bridge perhaps?"

"You do that Querido. I must attend to our lunch." said Morticia, turning from her husband's side. "We're having lung of ram."

"Mmmm it'll be delicious Tish! You have such a way with lungs." said Gomez. The excitement in his eyes at the prospect of the dish being cooked by her causing the black haired women to let out a pleased smile.

Meanwhile Klarpe and Hahn had looks of sickness in their eyes.

* * *

Hahn was sitting in a chair in the living room on the opposite side of the fireplace to Mrs. Addams as she knitted a sweeter with disproportionate arms whilst he checked over and cleared up his notes. The Premier would want only the most accurate of full reports on their visit to America, and one couldn't make a report without notes.

"Dear." said Mrs. Addams towards her husband, startling Hahn from his thoughts with her beautiful voice. "Don't you think that's enough Zen Yogi for today?"

"Just a couple more minutes my sweet. I'm just only getting the full restorative effects of this technique." replied Gomez, hanging from the chandelier by his legs.

"Very well." said Mrs. Addams as she went back to her knitting.

"That has…restorative effects?" inquired Hahn is disbelief.

"Of course it does. Having all the blood rush to the head helps to keep the old brain moving." answered Gomez, swinging his arms out happily as he did so.

"Why else would he do it otherwise?" commented Mrs. Addams, a slightly confused expression on her face as she spoke.

"Good point. I see how it could be restorative. " replied Hahn, having come to the conclusion it was best to humour these Americans rather than getting into a disagreement with them.

An animalistic roar then shock the house, rocking the chandelier Gomez was hanging upside down from slightly.

"What was that?" asked Hahn, jumping slightly at the unexpected sound.

"Why that's just Kitty Kat Miri." answered Gomez from up on the chandelier. "Don't let appearances fool you, Kitty's really quite the docile creature."

"Here Kitty she is now." added Morticia, a happy smile on her face.

Hahn froze as soon as he heard the sound of sniffing next to him. He slowly looked down to his right…to see a Lion starring right at him. The beast then opened its mouth wide as Hahn panic filled Hahn.

Within seconds he fainted, falling out of the chair and onto the floor.

* * *

"Mr. Hahn, Mr. Hahn are you ok?" asked Morticia worriedly as she shuffled over to the dignitary, having stood up within seconds of him hitting the ground. Just as she reached him Kitty Kat closed her mouth, having finished yawning. Once she reached him Morticia knelt down beside him, which was a bit difficult due to the tightness of her dress, and put her hand to the Soviet's forehead.

"Is he ok Morticia?" asked Gomez as he hopped down from the chandelier, racing to his wife's side.

"He appears to be darling." answered Morticia as she turned to face her husband, almost getting lost in his concern filled eyes even though she knew the concern was not for her. "He's only fainted."

"Oh well that's a relief then." replied her husband, concern leaving his eyes and being replaced with confusion. "I'll never understand why so many of our guest faint on us."

"It is quite the mystery dear." said Morticia as she turned back to look at Hahn, smiling sweetly upon doing so as she watched Kitty Kat lightly lick his face. "Awww look Gomez, Kitty likes him."

* * *

"You're move." said Klarpe just as me placed down the black rook on the chessboard, starring across the table at the box with the hand coming out from within it. The hand, or Thing as Mrs. Addams had referred to it as, then looked as if it was pondering its next move which confused Klarpe. How could a hand think with no brain?

He'd dismissed the idea that Thing was a robot. He moved far too humanlike to be a robot and he'd certainly felt a pulse when he shoke Thing's ha… shoke Thing.

If Thing was even a he. It may not be but the way Mrs. Addams referred to the hand gave off the impression that it was male. Besides Thing's skin was far too rough for a female.

Thing then finally finished pondering it's move and moved a white bishop three squares diagonally, before motioning towards Klarpe as if to say "Your move."

The Soviet merely nodded in response before moving his black queen to the other side of the board, trapping Thing's white king.

"Aha checkmate hand!" declared Klarpe triumphantly, before his celebratory attitude was brought to a halt by Thing shaking his finger at him.

Thing then moved his remaining white knight backwards towards his side of the board, taking Klarpe's black queen.

"Damn!" declared the Soviet, annoyed at how he could have overlooked such a retaliatory move. He would have to try harder, what would Mr. and Mrs. Addams think of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics if their representative got beat at chess by a hand! A mere American hand!

* * *

 _I can't think of much to say here if I'm honest with you. Not much to say about this chapter other than that I hope every reader enjoyed it and Happy New Year!_

 _Thanks to the 13th Raven and James Birdsong for the reviews too! It's good to know people enjoyed what I've written._

 _Oh yeah I know I refered to Kitty Kat as a she when it was clearly a male lion in the show (eg the mane) but I swear that at least one point in the show Morticia or Gomez refered to Kitty Kat as a she. Thus it'll be a she here._


	4. Chapter 4

Morticia was smiling contently as she stirred the brown batter contained within her mixing bowl. As she did so she thought back over the previous day.

The shooting contest had gone quite well, especially since she now had some lovely new artworks to decorate the house with. Mr. Hahn had also quickly made a quick recovery from fainting after she'd waved smelling salts over his nose briefly, returning to his usual self soon after. But when she'd inquired as to why he had fainted had dismissively answered that Kitty Kat had frightened him, something which perplexed in Morticia greatly. Who would be scared of a lion?

Whilst Mr. Klarpe had spent the remainder of the day up until dinner playing chess with Thing, whom had quite rudely beaten their guest at the game. A true Addams would have allowed the guest to win the first time, it was only polite to do so. She had of course chastised Thing for it as the loss had embarrassed poor Mr. Klarpe quite a bit.

Morticia then tensed briefly in surprise as she felt someone put their arms round her and lean their head on her shoulder, before untensing when she realised it was merely her Querido.

"That dish seems delicious Tish." said Gomez ecstatically as she felt and heard him sniffing the air before he asked in confusion "What is it?"

"It's blini batter darling. Our guests haven't been eating much at meal times, no doubt due to them not being accustomed to our country's dishes." answered Morticia, feeling her husband nod his head in response and understanding. "Thus I've decided to prepare a dish native to their homeland for lunch."

"A capital idea Cara Mia!" declared Gomez enthusiastically as he squeezed her briefly from behind, causing a momentary jolt to go through the black haired woman's body, which she rather enjoyed. "You're a true genius! A true hostess!"

"Thank you darling." replied Morticia sweetly, enjoying the praise and affection but wishing her husband would let her get back to prepare the meal. "Now don't you have something you need to be doing dear?"

"Hmmm nope. Nothing's on my schedule today Tish!" declared her husband as he lifted his head off her shoulder and released his arms from round her waist, allowing her to stir the bowl of blini batter once more.

"Oh." replied Morticia as she turned and watched Gomez take a cigar out of his pocket, the cigar naturally igniting by itself. As her impetuous husband stuck the cigar in his mouth and puffed out rings of smoke an idea hit Morticia. "Maybe you could play a game of chess with Mr. Klarpe Gomez. He seemed so disappointed when Thing beat him yesterday."

"Another capital idea Tish! A chance to beat the chess world record!" declared Gomez as he took his cigar from his mouth and threw it over his shoulder before leaning over, grabbing her arm and pulling both it and by association her towards him. Once he'd done that he began kissing up her arm passionately, sending jolts of pleasure up her pale arm as he did so.

"The chess record for winning?" inquired Morticia in confusion.

"No, the chess record for the fastest loss." answered Gomez as he paused from kissing her arm briefly, before resuming soon after.

"Ah." replied Morticia. That record would make far more sense for Gomez to set his sights upon; he was after all such a high achiever.

It was then that in his blind passion Gomez pushed against her slightly, causing her to stumble backwards slightly in her tight dress and to almost drop the bowl of blini batter in surprise.

"Careful Gomez. Control yourself." reprimand Morticia, her voice briefly taking a tone of authority as she reigned in her husband's passion. "Talk now, capital ideas later."

"Ah yes. Sorry about that Querida Mia." replied Gomez somewhat sheepishly as he released her arm and recomposed himself, his eyes still wild with passion for her. "You just know what your ideas can do to my Castilian blood."

Morticia merely smiled back at her husband and gave him a mischievous wink. Hinting at what she had in store for him later that night.

* * *

Meanwhile Fester was sitting on the ornately carved wooden couch in front of the stuffed form of Bruno the bear in the living room polishing his new obsidian hunting spear he'd bought the week before their guests arrived. He still wasn't sure what to make of Klarpe and Hahn, they seemed nice enough but they always seemed confused by how they acted. Let alone how they had barely any appetite for Mama and Morticia's delicious dishes. You had to be a weirdo to not like gopher loaf.

Then again the two men were foreign, so maybe they were just confused because they did things differently from where they were from. Yeah that would make sense.

Just as the pale bald man finished pondering about their guests the two guests in question entered the living room, heading in the direction of the door.

"Where you off to fellas?" asked Fester, his tone both friendly and curious.

"Ah Fester, we were just planning to take a brisk walk round the neighbourhood before lunch." answered Klarpe as both he and Hahn stopped in front of the couch just as Fester had spoken to them. "Just to get some fresh air."

"And to maybe see neighbours." added Hahn, who Fester could tell was staring at his head curiously.

"Well whatever you people like to do where you're from." replied Fester, assuming that their desire for fresh air was just another weird foreign thing. "I can't see why you want to see our neighbours though. They're all a bunch of weirdos."

"Weirdos?" questioned Klarpe curiously, motioning to his companion to make a note.

"Yeah they all have white picket fences, rose bushes, finely cut lawns with pink plastic flamingos on them." answered Fester, feeling a little sicken by the thoughts. "Nuts the lot of them."

"Ah…we shall keep that in mind." said Klarpe, a puzzled look passing over his face.

"And keep in notebook." added Hahn.

"That too." said Klarpe as he turned to leave before turning back to face Fester again. "I presume you could inform Gomez and Mrs. Addams as to why we're gone."

"Of course I can." replied Fester happily. Klarpe merely nodded in reply before he and Hahn walked over the bear pelt which covered the stairs and out through the front door, shutting it behind them with a light bang.

Then just as Fester was about to get back to polishing his hunting spear Gomez rounded the corner, a bounce in his nephews step as always.

"Fester do you have any idea where Ila is?" asked Gomez, enthusiastic in his voice.

"You just missed him Gomez. He and Miri just left to go get some fresh air before lunch." answered Fester.

"Well that explains why I haven't been able to find those two. I was planning on playing a round of chess with Ila." replied Gomez, disappointing in his voice. However the disappointment was short lived as his eyes lit up once they spied Fester's spear and his tone turned to one of excitement. "Ah ha I have it!"

"Have what Gomez?" asked Fester in confusion.

"Tomorrow we could take our guests out for a picnic in the swamp!" answered Gomez excitedly. "Morticia, our guests and I could relax and converse in the lovely tranquil atmosphere whilst Lurch could go for a swim in the water and you, Mama and the children could go alligator hunting Fester. Just think how many you'd catch with that high quality spear and your expertise!"

"Oh stop it Gomez, you're embarrassing me." replied Fester bashfully as he looked down at his spear, looking back up before he continued speaking. "Do you think our guests would be up to that though? They are a bit odd if you ask me." Gomez then leaned down and put his arm round Fester's shoulders, motioning forward with his other arm as if he was pointing out a scene to his relative.

"Fester we've been tasked with showing our guests how true Americans live. What better way to show them than take them with us on an average American family outing." explained Gomez enthusiastically. "And besides what man doesn't love a good swamp?"

"You've got me there Gomez." replied Fester with a grin.

"Excellent! I'll tell Morticia about it right away." said Gomez excitedly as he jumped to his feet. "She'll be so excited by it!"

* * *

Klarpe took a deep breath into his lungs as he walked along the sidewalk with his comrade, savouring the freshness of the air. Oddly despite the fact Mrs. Addams regularly had windows open in their home the inside air always seemed to be stale and dank.

"Air is fresher." comment Hahn as he noted his observation down in his notepad.

"That it is Miri." replied Klarpe. "Unlike that stale average American house!"

"Is it really an average house though?" inquired Hahn as he motioned to a nearby house. "It looks different and older than these other houses."

"Remember how Harris tried to hide truth from us Miri?" asked Klarpe, stopping suddenly.

"Of course. But sneaky capitalist failed." answered Hahn, stopping in time with his fellow Soviet.

"As they always do." added Klarpe confidently before continuing. "Well all these other houses look modern, but it is no doubt just a façade! No doubt on the inside they are as old as the Addams Family house. If not older!"

"Ah of course Ila, no doubt inside they blow up trains and have thinking plants too." said Hahn in agreement.

"Precisely." replied Klarpe before pointing to a man in a suit who was just climbing out of his car, having just parked it in his driveway. "You see that man Miri?"

"I do Ila. Mrs. Addams mentioned that he's Mr. Henderson." answered Hahn. "No doubt one of the weirdos Fester warned us about."

"That's what sneaky little Mr Henderson wants us to think." said Klarpe. "He may look normal now, like the stereotypical average American. But once he enters that house he'll no doubt be greeted by his wife, clad in a long black dress which has tentacle-esc fabric tendrils, waiting for him with a cup of henbane tea to give him! Then after drinking it he'll go blow up some toy trains or wrestle with his pet lion!"

Klarpe paused briefly to check that his comrade was writing down notes in his notebook, the Premier would want to hear about all of this.

"And the Addams's act as if their neighbours are weirdos just to keep up act! Make us doubt that they are average American family!" declared Klarpe. "It is a cunning ploy by Washington. But not cunning enough! No one fools the Soviet people!"

* * *

 _So this has been a bit of a long time coming. To be fair schooling did get in the way of writing in general on my part, though it was also me working on other projects and not being in a very "Addams Family" mood as well...and laziness to a degree._

 _So sorry about how long it took to get this chapter out. Especially since the first chunk of this chapter had already been written for quite a while and was just sitting on my hardrive. Originally the picnic was going to happen in this chapter too, but I'm saving that for chapter 5 since I imagine it'll be a bit long otherwise and I'm prefering to keep these chapters at a reasonable length...unlike It's a Hex Life chapters where they just go on and on._

 _On and I think blini is a dish from Eastern Europe. Though considering I got that infomation from a quick google search that could be a load of rubbish for all I know._


End file.
